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Wicca Wicca what?

“I stood staring at the bath, then she told me to get naked and get in it, so I did.”

If I hadn’t already wondered if this meetup I chose to attend was a bit on the weird side, this guy’s story convinced me.

What meetup? Well, let me tell you!

When I first moved to Victoria, I knew one person who lived in the vicinity and had just made some new friends with my coworkers at my new job. I have a pretty diverse range of interests (who doesn’t?), and I wanted to build a larger social network around them, so I could have touchpoints everywhere. My solution? I joined meetup.com, a resource that lets you find local groups based on your interests to meet like-minded people.

I was off to see the wizard

The closest upcoming meeting that piqued my interest was for a witchcraft group. I had an idea in mind about how this group would look; I imagined people my own age who were maybe dressed like Stevie Nicks, or like Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire, so I signed up. I’m always full of realistic expectations.

The meetup was going to be held at a fairly public coffee shop, and I made the decision to, at the very least, walk by and see what the group looked like. If everything looked okay, I’d go in. I’m not sure what wouldn’t be okay, but I’ll leave that up to your imagination.

Game time

Peeking through the window a few minutes before the event was set to start, I saw a group of four people whose ages ranged from 45 to 90 years old. They seemed harmless, so I took a deep breath and went inside.

I wandered in and acted like I owned the place (a new tactic I’ve taken to pull myself out of any social anxiety I might feel – act like you’re way more comfortable than you are and then others assume you are fine and don’t feel additional pressure to try to include you), smiled at everyone and asked if they were part of the witchcraft meet up. They all smiled, welcomed me and invited me to sit down and join them. I grabbed a tea and settled in to make some new friends.

The facilitator of the group was a woman in her early 40s, curly brown hair, warm smile, the type of person you immediately feel comfortable around. She started the conversation by asking us what drew us to the group and what our experience was with witchcraft.

We went around the room, beginning with a woman beside me who reminded me a lot of Katey Sagal as Gemma in Sons of Anarchy (I was immediately inclined to like her), and then to a white-haired woman whose age I couldn’t guess. Both of them had standard answers (as standard as you can get for discussions around magic), describing how they got involved, and created rituals for themselves that included meditation and interests in energy practices like Reiki. Next, the facilitator moved to a man who looked to be in his late 80s or early 90s.

Let the good times roll

He shared his story about discovering witchcraft in England, in the late 50s, at a time when it was still considered underground and people didn’t really talk about it. It was difficult to find any covens, and then harder still to be involved with them. He managed to do so, meeting a man around his same age at the time who said he would help him get connected.

It started with an initiation, which involved being picked up in the dead of night by a car full of men. They drove him to a house in an unfamiliar part of town and dropped him off, telling him to go to the door. He was left alone there, so he went up to the house and knocked on the door, which was answered by a woman wearing an ankle-length robe. She led him towards a bathroom where she directed him to take off his clothes and get in the bath.

As an aside, he mentioned that a bath in the 50s, with the way plumbing was behind the times in England, were usually a “fill up the tub once” type of affair, and that other people had already bathed in this particular bath during the course of the day.

After the bath, he was given a robe to put on, then was blindfolded and led into the basement.

At this point in the story, the woman facilitating the group stopped him and continued to ask the group why they were interested in joining. The only person who hadn’t responded yet, was me.

After this story, the reason why I was there seemed quite…lame in comparison. I responded, “I’ve always been interested in tarot, crystals, divination and magic and am new to town. I thought it would be good to connect with others with similar interests.”

No blindfolded, shared bathtub experiences for me.

I stayed for a bit longer, enough to hear the Katey Sagal lookalike next to me say in annoyance, “Men are stupid. If they weren’t, they would be here to meet women like us.”

Not willing to go into some weird male-bashing conversation, I chose this moment to say goodbye.

Although it was interesting tale-telling fodder at work the next week, I chose to not go to any more meetups with that group.

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Moving sucks

Contrary to what you might think based on my actions (moving once a year), I actually hate moving. It sucks.

If you’ve been following along with my posts, then you know that recently I made a decision to move back to Calgary and my move date is quickly approaching.

My coworkers, a.k.a friends, a.k.a island family, held a going away for me today and it was highly emotional for me…and so has this entire process of making the decision, accepting the job and then planning the logistics of the move.

For someone who has been educated in how to communicate about complex emotions, I find it ridiculous and frustrating that I am still often (99 per cent of the time) unable to share how I feel.

I forget that I’m not good at it until an off hand comment like, “oh she does have feelings guys,” said in light-hearted jest as I bawl my eyes out in front of a room full of people after receiving the sweetest card and gift, makes me realize that I need to do better.

I struggle to express deep emotions like the heartrending grief I feel at leaving Victoria and the people who made this place feel like home for me. I feel like I don’t have the right to it, because I’m choosing to go.

I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. I’m terrified I’m making the wrong decision. I was terrified when I left Calgary too. None of this is easy. I just get up and keep moving forward because the choice is made and that is how I operate. I can’t spend my life wondering what if. And so, I just do.

But, emotionally, it’s not easy.

I am beyond grateful to everyone who befriended me, who invited me in to their homes, their families, and made me feel like I immediately belonged. That is not something that just happens. These people made an effort for me.

I have no words that can fully express my gratitude. This is usually the point where I just can’t tell people how deeply I feel, and so, I say nothing.

But, in an attempt to suck less at communicating my feelings, I’ll try:

To everyone who took me in and became part of my life here in Victoria, thank you. I hold immeasurable love for you.

Toxic people: walking doses of poison, a.k.a. bullshit

“Certain chemical compounds can be toxic, but people cannot be toxic. Your thoughts cause your feelings. Other people don’t cause your feelings. A toxic person is just someone you aren’t managing your mind around.” – Kara Loewentheil, podcaster for Unf*ck Your Brain.

Did you know the word toxic was the most used word in 2018? A question I wish I would have asked myself a few years ago is, how can I apply a word like that to a person? To suggest that a person…a human being…is poison to me? I am so ashamed. Admitting that makes me so uncomfortable.

I’m an avid listener of podcasts and after absorbing all the episodes of the current shows I subscribe to, I search out new ones to fill my brain while I run, walk or cook.

The most recent podcast I’ve been listening to, Unf*ck Your Brain by Kara Loewentheil, is blowing my mind. The episode that initially caught my attention was one about Imposter Syndrome (maybe I’ll write a blog post about why that interests me, maybe not – either way, that’s not what this post is about). I went through the list of topics and found two that really spoke to me, Drama and Toxic People, and Boundaries.

When I left Calgary in early 2017, I felt drained and emotionally exhausted. I attributed these feelings to what I thought were toxic people that surrounded me, and leaving Calgary was a bit of a way to deal with that. There were so many reasons for me to move to Victoria at the time, including the dream of wanting to be amongst the trees and mist for over 10 years, but the “toxic people” issue was like a final push to take the leap. I needed a breath of fresh air and I couldn’t figure out how else to get it.  

I told people that I felt so much better here since I left the “toxic people” behind. Saying that, and believing it made me feel like shit, like the only power I had was to leave or run. I felt like I just couldn’t handle challenging people in my life, and as someone who has a tendency to think negative thoughts often, I also wondered if I was trying to leave myself behind.

You bet I was.

Side note: Whatever my reasons were for moving to the island, I’ve met so many amazing people out here. Every one of them will be so hard to leave. The reasons I’m moving back home have absolutely nothing to do with leaving people here. I’m not trying to avoid anything and that’s how I know my decision to go back is right. I’m not running.

It’s the thought that counts

This podcast and many conversations I’ve had over the past two years, have helped me shift my perspective in a way that I sorely needed. I needed to hear that my own thoughts were causing my problems. Fundamentally, I knew this, but sometimes we take the wrong path and get a bit lost in our heads. Since I get lost everywhere else, why not do so in my own mind? It’s okay to get lost. At some point in time though, you need a little kick in the pants, like someone telling you that it’s your own thoughts that are toxic. Do you know how empowering that is? To know that you can control many situations that have caused drama in your life by exploring how you are framing it?

Fuck. Yes. Own your thoughts, own your life.

One important note: There is such a thing as abusive people. There is a line between putting time and effort in to work through issues in relationships and taking abuse. You have every right to cut abusive people out of your life. 

As a sign off, I’m going to reiterate a post I shared on Twitter here because I think it sums up what I’m trying to do in my life:

“There’s something that’s been bothering me for a few years, and it’s about letting go of people when they make life hard for you. This is a mistake. It’s important to recognize your ability to cope and to set boundaries when presented with difficult situations or people.

In a world of instant gratification, it’s easy to have shallow connections. But that’s not what life is about. You need hard times to appreciate good times. My challenge to you (and myself), is to nurture relationships and set healthy boundaries, rather than shut people out.”

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Writing advice to ignore

I recently read an article titled 10 worst story openings that sparked the flame of annoyance for me. To sum it up, the advice was “don’t start your story with something boring, but don’t start it with something interesting either.” The foundation for this advice was the belief that both of these were dead giveaways that you’re an amateur. As if that was a bad thing to be.

Side note: it’s not bad to be an amateur. Everyone has to start somewhere, and everyone started as an amateur. It is brave. So, be brave. Be an amateur and wear that badge proudly.

Here’s what I think about that advice

First, it was contradictory. Of course, I oversimplified it, but essentially that’s how it read for me.

Second, if we all wrote the way these lists tell us to, every book would be the same and you wouldn’t need to read more than one since you’d know how every other one was going to end, and then all the authors could just curl into themselves and burn out like dying stars.

The product of our writing, like any art form, is subjective. Everyone will have a different opinion about what it should be, and they’ll like whatever they like for whatever reason that is personal to them. You can’t control that, nor should you try to.

Now that I’ve told you to ignore advice, I’m going to leave you with my two cents for what I’ve found helpful. Take it or leave it:

  • Start your story exactly where it starts. Continue writing until it’s finished.
  • Don’t second guess yourself. You know your story best.
  • Write for yourself, not for anyone else.

When it comes to having beta readers and editors looking at your work, you need to know what it is you are trying to convey, and make sure your work reflects that.

Pull the things you find helpful from these people who are offering suggestions, but don’t for one second think they know what’s best. You decide what goes and what stays. It is YOUR story.

Okay, that is my rant for today.

https://pixabay.com/en/feather-write-communicate-3237961/

Moving write along

It’s been a while since I posted

What the hell have I been doing for over a month?

Writing

I finished revisions on Deer Ethan! I ended up cutting a huge chunk of words out, over 30,000 of them and reduced the book to a novella. This was just the first round of revisions though and I know I need to build my characters and setting out quite a bit. It could potentially reach novel length again at some point, but for now, it’s a novella.

I also started writing my next book and I’m using pen and paper instead of my laptop. It’s really slowing the process down for me, but I feel like what I’m putting down is of a better quality. It gives me time to think through things and I’m feeling a stronger connection to my work, which is exciting for me.

Crafting

I’m working on some new crafting projects for Christmas gifts. In case people I’m gifting choose to read this, I won’t elaborate. After Christmas, maybe I’ll share pictures of what I made. Or maybe I won’t. This is a blog dedicated to writing, not my weirdo crafting projects. Although, I like to take time to be creative in other ways as part of my writing process – it gives me a break and lets me see something else through to completion.

Living

I took a week off around my birthday (yeah, I got older since I last wrote). I usually take the week off and just hang out, relax, de-stress, and this year was no different. I tried climbing (so much fun!), explored the island, explored the city, and didn’t write more than a paragraph. It was perfect.

Getting back to it

Last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, my brain decided it was the perfect time to scrutinize my connection to the things I write. Of course I’m going to share some of those thoughts with you, considering this is supposed to be about my writing process.

When I was writing Deer Ethan in 2015, I was in the midst of a relationship that inspired a lot of the character and action of the story. I’m no longer in this relationship and working through the book brought up a lot of memories and emotions.

For my current novel, the main character is based heavily on my own personality and it’s set in my current geographical location. This might change, but for now it’s working for me.

I remember advice I heard in 2013 when I was writing my first book, to write what I know. I didn’t pay much attention to it because at the time I was writing an epic, high fantasy novel where everything was made up. How can you write what you know when there is absolutely no knowledge base? Thinking back though, a lot of dialogue, events, and characters were inspired by conversations I had with friends and family. Now, I’m almost certain you can’t help but write what you know. I’m inspired by everything around me.

Considering my work is loosely based on my life and the people in it, does it worry you that I write about murder? 😉

I do wonder if my connection is a detriment to my writing, and maybe I should stop basing them off specific people in my life, including myself.

I’m curious to know how other writers feel about this, about their connection to their work, and the characters they build. Are they based on you at all? On people you know? Do you completely separate them from your own life? What do you think about the impact of any of this on yourself and your reader? 

Comment below, or feel free to message me privately at ang.unsworth@gmail.com.